Greetings

My story...this story starts in the morning of the 16th of December 2024 when I woke up with the news that dad died. This set loose not only deeply rooted (almost ancient) feelings, but also this new emotion which I've never experienced before: grief. 

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I spent the first 2 months of 2025 in tears and frozen in sadness, guilt, and anger. I could not bear these by myself and restarted the therapy sessions that I stopped 4 months before. I started to make progress slowly and learned how to rewire my brain and change the narrative, while understanding why I was acting and feeling like that. Since then: I've been reading lots of self-help books, listening to podcasts and I've started seeing a second therapist in Summer. 

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Dad's death brought about lots of memories: words, gestures, gifts, family dynamics.

It suddenly hit me: him and mom were not present with each other and seeing them as a couple did not exude warmth. They stayed together because it was comfortable, because they did not see the point of making a change after dozens and dozens of years together, and because of fears...

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...the same fears I had as well: "what if I won't find another love like this?", "what if no one will love me again?", "what if no one will accept me as I am again?", "what if I will be alone forever?", "what will I do when I see a huge spider and I live alone?", "what will I do when I get sick and need help?" and the list continues as I have had lots of fears orbiting. I knew I am not happy anymore and that I want something else, but never had the courage to get out. I felt like I am betraying him and his love if I leave him. In different sessions both my therapists this year asked "And how about yourself? Are you not betraying yourself too if you stay?". 

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On the 12th of October I finally had the courage to speak. Much to my surprise, I discovered that he felt the exact same way and we were both relieved that all we have been thinking about by ourselves was finally said. The first 48 hours were tough and an immense grief overwhelmed me. Once I overcame it, all the fears I had gradually transformed into excitement and empowerment for this new beginning and started seeing how awesome the future can be.

 

I managed to transform my life at 180 degrees in just a few minutes just because I had the courage to put myself first by choosing me and my happiness over anything and anybody else. 

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