Asking for a raise: a very weird conversation

Spring 2025.

I discovered that I was greatly underpaid after several months of LinkedIN recommending me new jobs. Reading their job description, I noticed that at least 80% of the requirements I have been doing myself too. The more I studied job ads and the more connections working in the field I acquired, the more I noticed that my job incorporates at least 3 roles even if this company is smaller then mostly all these, each of them paid with minimum 10.000 more than mine.

Needless to say, frustration and anger grew started to be felt.

I also become more and more resentful too.

However, I could not get myslef to talk about this with my manager for months. The reasons are rooted in how I grew up and my relationship with female authority figures. Becuase I did not have a secure environment growing up, I am hardwired to stay quiet because of bad repercussions if I do speak up.

I chose attachment over authenticity.

Just like I did now too although I am a fully grown adult.

My mind kept playing different scenarios imagining how it will be after I ask for a raise: I'll be fired, I'll be under scrutiny and I don't need this now as it's already too much (my story is here), I will not be "the favourite child anymore" and God! how great it is to be appreciated, my workload will increase too much and I already am doing the work for less money than the market value. Almost every day a new theory evolved of new and bad things that will happen.

In July I had my annual review in which I was presented with: great feedback from multiple colleagues mainly heads of departments and her reiterating how great and wonderful I am and how she sees me as her replacement for when she'll retire (which she has been telling me since my first 6 months in the job).

It was during this conversation when I said that I would like to have a higher salary considering all my work and achievements and what she thinks I should do to achieve this as I am very happy to take on more responsibilities (keep this mind for later). She agreed that I needed a bigger salary. "Well, great! Success" I thought to myself. We did not discus numbers or deadlines. I was happy she knew too that I deserve more money.

Some months go by. Meanwhile LinkedIN kept sending me more and more jobs. I saw higher and higher salaries. Back to frustration, anger and resentment. I stated to see how all these new directors for multiple departments were appointed. I was sure they were getting a much higher pay than the one I saw for roles in my field.

Then, in a 1-2-1 meeting I followed up on the salary conversation from July and I was told that the salary is reviwed in April. April 2026 was in around 6/7 more months. I left the conversation there as I could still not get myself to verbalise how much I wanted. At least now I had a timeline to work with...

Jobs still kept popping and popping.

New directors and promotions in the company kept being announced.

Anger, frustration, resentment? Still there and growing strongly.

It took me 4 months to finally build the courage to speak up. 4 months in which I spoke about this in therapy, and also spoke up twice in different situations of life which resulted in me changing the outcomes to 180 degrees. I had at least 5 1-2-1s in which I went knowing "today is the day I ask for this salary" and I could not get myself to speak.

In the 2 weeks before this life changing experience, I researched and planned how the conversation will be, push backs that I could encounter and how to tackle them, behaviours that my manager has and will likely display and how to speak up in a way she won't be triggered. I had all prepared.

That morning before leaving for the office I did a grounding exercise.

The faithful moment came and I was overcome by anxiety again, spoke to myself to bring back the peace and started to channel the empowerment I felt in those 2 other recent experiences in which I spoke up and the outcomes were fantastic!

I started by referencing the last conversation with the deadline in April saying that I would like for her to have more specific details for her further conversations with the budget approvers. She asked me if this is about other responsibilities that I would like to have. God is my witness and my answer was "Yes and not only". She asked me to send an email about how I see everything. She continued to say "you are appreciated here. I hope you see that all of us are appreciating you. You see this, don't you?". I said that I see her and a few select others who give me praises but I do not feel the same from the company too as the salary does not reflect this.

God is my witness for this answer of hers too, as much as it seems unreal: "But don't "thank yous" and praises matter? What has the salary got to do with this?". I thought to myself "What did I just hear? Is this real?".

Well...I knew I had to write an email and was thinking "Wow, I don't even know why I was so scared! It was just going to be an email". I was soooo happy. I wrote the email and sent it. I said I wanted a title change, a salary increased by 13000 per annum, both in line with increased responsibilities and only after a contract is signed (I thought: let's offer something when requesting something and enough with free work done without more pay) and remote work.

A few hours later I am asked to step in a meeting room.

Scowling at me she said "This is not what I asked". "Sorry, what do you mean?" I asked confused. "I asked you to send me a list of responsibilities that you'll like to have. I was taken aback by your email" she said wagging her head.

"Damn it!" I thought..."I completely forgot about those!".

She continued with "seems like they're non-negotiable for you and if this is what you want then you should reconsider your options."

Then she continued to say that we've never spoken about a title change before and a salary of X and remote work. I said that's correct and that I came prepared today to speak about this yet I was directed to send an email instead.

She then mentioned that I want more responsibilities, but I am not willing to work with anyone. That is when I became confused again and asked for clarifications. "You want remote work" she said "how are you going to work with people if you're not in the office?!".

Dear reader let me tell you that: I am working with cross functional teams which are located all over UK, we have regular Teams calls of course even when I am in the office, and the director of the team I work most with works fully remote and the job gets done, the same job I kept getting praises for, which led her to consider me her replacement for when she retires. I told her exactly this (minus the part with me being her replacement).

She kept frowning when she said that remote work won't be approved. It's going to be 2 days per week in the office full stop. I said something that really made me proud and it's such a strong thing to say out loud: "I have a responsibility towards myself to ask for something better!".

Since this conversation took place a month ago I saw a complete shift in attitude towards me.

I've had conversations about salary increase in other companies and all were normal...they went according to plan and the managers responded accordingly.

This is an outcome which I would have not expected from a person who has been praising me anytime she got the chance and recognized me as her replacement. Becuase I did not expect this, I did not prepare a script and I was blindsided. For a brief second I thought that maybe I should have had this conversation in one of those failed attempts as maybe it would have been different. Then I though about something: "this went exactly as it was meant to go...I am exactly where I am supposed to be. This shows exactly who she has really been all this time. I finally spoke up and it was liberating. I know what I want and what I deserve and spoke loud and clear.".